Peaceful and seasick.

I haven’t felt so anchored in a place or time as I have for the last month. I’ve really enjoyed every moment of my routine; the stealthy sunrises sneaking across my floor, the repeated breakfast of European coffee and Japanese cartoons. A few video games, a few chapters from a book, writing a sketch or drawing one. I watch people biking past the park across the street and just feel still.

I’ve had fewer days off than ever before, and I love it. I’ve found peace in working. And it’s perfect timing. I’ve got to start turning the page and outlining the next plot twist to this unfolding narrative. I’m not the protaganist; I’m a side character in someone else’s book, but still — I’m helping write it. I think.

Learning to Work with Others

One of the things that occured to me tonight is that there will always, no matter what job I have, there will always be someone there to fuck it up. I mean, even if the show was composed of clones of myself all brought up in the same exact environment, there would still be someone in the cast fucking it up: Me.

I need to learn how to work with other opinions and viewpoints, how to forgive in the heat of battle and let things slide. As it is now, I’m *terrible* at it. Probably because I’m an only child. Because some people will never get better at what they do, but I’m still gonna have to work with them.

Life and Spelling Errors

I don’t know why, but at some point in the last year, I started writing oddly. Perhaps it’s married to my sudden lack of writing in general, but … how to explain it?

I now write phonetically on the first draft. The first sentence of this entry was originally written, “I started righting odly.” I only put it down in words because perhaps it’s some symptom (written first as psymtom) of some neurological disease. Or maybe I’m getting too lazy? I also tend to write words backwards now.

Anyway, the point is, it makes for some humorous reading. I should keep drafts of my first drafts somewhere.

In other news, we started Dutch Lessons yesterday. It made me very hungry for Japanese lessons again. Every time we’d learn a new sentence structure, I’d copy it down in both Dutch and Japanese (just so I didn’t start forgetting the Japanese). I didn’t like the class; there were no books and no English. We have homework, too. Three pages of it.

Scatter-shot. I’m watching Kino’s Journey these days in the mornings. I would choose Fullmetal Alchemist over it (a series that has made me cry almost once per episode during the first 8), but I’m waiting for the next set of episodes to be released. Kino’s Journey is wonderful, but sullen. It reminds me of “Now and Then, Here and There” in a way. I recommend it highly.

I spend my days watching anime and waiting for shows. It’s very (sp: yrev) difficult for me to begin (sp being) a project lately, too. I’m having a crisis of motivation. Photography, writing, art — it all seems like a peacock tail, designed only to augment my person and make me more attractive to a prospective mate. That’s really it — it sounds heady, but it’s the best way to articulate what I feel. What’s the purpose of a photograph? I mean, the kind that isn’t for a memory? It’s just to show someone. “Hey look what I did.” The same with drawing. “Look, look! See this!? I did this.”

Writing feels a little different, but has similar elements. I write to figure out how I feel, and also (aslo) allow someone else access to my state of mind. But writing fiction feels like photography — decorative.

Just some thoughts…

Moving Forward

Another lengthy absence from posting. Forgive me, it’s been tough to find the courage to just put myself out there again.

A lot has happened. A lot.

I’ve been reluctant to write because I know this is a public place where I talk about my life, and I know that it may be hard for some people to read it. But I’ve got to keep going with my life and do the things that make me me.

What the hell am I talking about? Well, Sophie and I broke up. It had been a developing thing for a while, but we cut ties and haven’t spoken to each other in an effort to be healthy. Giving each other space. Out of respect to that, I had been quiet where ever she might be - whether during Final Fantasy XI or here on my LJ. But, in the end, it is my journal and I’ve got to keep updating or there’s no point in having one.

So, yes. I’ve reentered the world of the bachelorette.

In other news, I was cast in Deuce Bigalow 2. Yep. After making a fuss about a terrible audtion, I actually got a part. Not only that, but after they cast me for one role, they auditioned me for a larger one this week. I can’t imagine a better way to go into an audition than to already have a part somewhere else in the movie. I don’t think they really dug my take on the bigger role, but I haven’t found out yet, so … we’ll see. At the very least, I have 2 days of shooting and they’re flying me “abroad”. At the very most, I’ll have a 10-15 day shoot with the larger part (a girl with a tracheotomy. What comedy gold.).

I’ve signed on for another contract at Boom. It has the stipulations that I can leave whenever I get another job, get 3 weeks off in February, have 3 weeks paid vacation, get a 1000 euro airplane ticket somewhere, and can take time off to tour a show in the states. It’s the most luxurious contract I can imagine, kinda like a huge junk food package. I’m starting to psych myself up to leave, (in 6 months to a year) which is as difficult a journey as it was to come here.

I’m going to Japan in the fall for 2 of those vacation weeks. Maybe with Jordan Peele? I hope so …

Matt Jones is coming to join the madness here in Amsterdam. It’s going to be very surreal to recognize a face from my past life wandering through this one. I can’t wait to share this with him so that when we get back to Ultimate some time in the future, we can Yo together. Or something.

I continue to miss you all. This is the first Anime Expo I’ve missed in many years, and the longest I’ve gone without being home ever.